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Open Letter to Neighbourhood Squirrels

October 21, 2012

Dear Neighbourhood Squirrels,

I used to think you were cute little critters, chasing about in the yards, running up/down and all around the trees. No more.  In the recent years that I have owned my house, I have decided to perform my own lawn care and create a small garden with the hopes of creating a larger one at a later date. To date, you have dug multiple and repeated holes in my tiny herb garden and all over my lawn.  Please remember that when I throw small rocks and pine cones at you, I am merely trying to ‘encourage’ you to remove yourself from my yard, I am not trying to physically hurt you, despite any words that may issue from my mouth or the tone of voice used to utter said words.

Should you find walnuts, peanuts, chestnuts or any other delicacies in other neighbours’ yards, please shred or bury them in said neighbours’ yards where you found them.  Do not feel obligated to share these finds with me, as I am sure you will receive more pleasure from them than I ever could. If my significant other discover these finds, she is most likely to remove them to the ‘yard waste’ bags for further removal. I, on the other hand, am more likely to throw them at the nearest member of your species or just chuck them into the hedge or over the fence. I’m sure you can see that it is to your advantage to put them in a more suitable place for yourself.

While you are at it, stop galloping through the planter box of fenugreek, it does neither them nor you any good. It`s really not that difficult to just bypass the planter.  This goes for the ginger pot as well – nibbling/breaking the sprouts off is really unnecessary.  I was given to understand that you folk aren’t particularly fond of cayenne pepper but I really prefer to add this to my herbs whilst cooking my meals, not during the growing phase.

Finally, it is of no appreciable use to scatter sunflower seeds from the heads all over the front porch. If possible, please use the provided bucket/receptacle for the remains – you are welcome to all the seeds you like, but the mess is unacceptable and rather rude. We are, after all, providing a free meal.

Sincerely,

Homeowner and Would-be Gardener.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 23, 2012 9:09 PM

    From my sister via Facebook:

    Dear New Homeowner,

    Ah, so you are a first-time homeowner! That explains a lot!

    First, welcome to OUR neighbourhood.

    Thanks for loosening the topsoil in your yard. It is so much easier to bury our winter stash in the parts you have worked on. We are excited about the new look, and have been happy to help out by contributing our favorite plants – at no charge, as our Welcome Wagon gift to you. It’s looking good, and you are making fantastic progress – keep up the good work!

    We love the sunflower seeds, but you seem to be lacking a designated eating area (dining table). Would it be too much to request a simple wooden bench if you can’t provide a real table? The herbs add a nice touch, but aren’t really necessary. We have simple tastes.

    Well, we have to run now. Winter is closing in, and there’s still so much to do.

    Glad to meet you, Neighbours!

    Your Welcome Wagon Squirrel Committee

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